Rohini....

Confessions of a depressed mind...

2011-12-11T01:20:00.001+05:30

Mostly about how I think things are. Or how they should be in my case – put it in any way you want. These the the confessions of a depressed mind (not in any specific order):

We need some space for ourselves. Please don’t annoy us too much. We’re pretty irritable when we’re depressed. And once we react to something you said, don’t blame us for that – you brought it on.
When we want to talk, we will. Don’t keep asking us what happened. We might not want to talk about what happened.
Don’t pity us. It makes us feel we’re a bunch of desperate people waiting for someone’s attention. It doesn’t feel good.
We’re NOT developing suicidal tendencies, so DON’T follow us wherever we go.
Music is a great way for us to get things off our minds. Even if the song is depressing.
If we’re depressed, it doesn’t mean we’ve broken up with a girl friend/boy friend. Stop assuming things.
Not talking doesn’t make us lose our voice.
We’re not going to be like this forever. We will be back to however we were before this. Please bear with us.
Don’t keep suggesting things or saying “I told you so”. It totally sucks.
Stop pressurizing us. It just makes us feel that no one ever understands us.
We know that alcohol or nicotine are not solutions to our problems.
Encourage us. Not pester us.
(In case of girls) We know that we’re girls. Still, it doesn’t stop us from being humans. Girls can get depressed, too.
We’re not mad. We’re not lunatics on the loose.

More later.

Attack..

2011-11-26T20:22:00.000+05:30

The Captain looked out of his cabin aboard the ‘Kuber’, the mighty fishing trawler, which belonged to India. He was looking forward to meeting his children and other relatives back in aamchi Mumbai. The last six months had been nothing short of a nightmare for him. The dungeons… He had seen death in the face… Almost.

He closed his eyes, and tried to stop thinking about it. He inhaled… Inhaled freedom. Freedom after six long, hard, horrible months. The smell of the salty water with a tinge of the sea weeds seemed to enervate him. He looked around his ship… This trawler had been his second home since a long time. He had named it Kuber, because it brought him all his riches. He was who he was because of that very trawler. But six months ago, he had lost his way, and ended up straying on International waters. Dangerous international waters. He hadn’t realized that he had lost his way until he saw a few speed boats coming towards his second home. They confronted him, and on realizing he was an Indian, they imprisoned him along with his crew. He had pleaded, but to deaf ears. He was tortured for the ‘truth’. When he did tell him the truth, he was beaten to a pulp. Finally someone from the Navy had realized that the crew was missing, and sought help in getting him released.

He tried to shake away the pain within him. He just wanted to go back home, and not return to work for at least a month. With these thoughts running across his mind, he walked out of his cabin, and took a light stroll along the deck. He looked out at the sea, and he saw three specks at a distance.

Boats? Here? Maybe some local fishermen had ventured out for some good catch.

10 minutes later, Ashok, one of his crew members reported to him that the boats were approaching Kuber.

Not again.

He checked the map and looked out for the buoys. They were in the Indian waters for sure. They hadn’t strayed.

Then why?… Maybe they’re stranded.

But he had a bad feeling about this. He felt uncomfortable. He ignored that and ordered his men to help them aboard. 10 minutes later, he saw that only one of the boats had made it, and the remaining two had drowned. There were 10 men in that boat, and each of them carried backpacks which looked heavy. They got on to the trawler, helped by his men. They looked young… Very young.

“Kya hua? Aap sab yaha kaise aa gaye?” he asked one of them. He looked like he was in his early 20s.

“Kho gaye hain..”, he said, and he looked at his friend. His accent troubled the Captain. He had heard the same accent for the last six months…

No, what rubbish. Maybe he’s really lost.

The voice at the back of his head told him otherwise. He stared at them. They all had magazines… The same magazine. They held their bags very close to them, and they all looked very serious. They kept glancing out at the sea…

“Kab pahunchenge?” one of them asked…

“do ghanton ke baad” Ashok answered.

As soon as he said that, the ship bobbed a little, and one of the bags slipped out of the owner’s hands. A gun fell out.

There was a moment of silence as everyone watching this registered whatever had happened.

Ashok immediately brought his gun out and fired at one of them.. He missed. They were ready. They pushed Ashok out and shot at him… Twice. He collapsed, but not before trying to shoot at them once more.

The Captain was paralysed. He couldn’t take it… Again. Finally someone fired close to him, and he was back to his senses. There was a fight on board, and for a moment it looked like his crew was winning.

He tried to reach out to the INS Ranvijay, but he couldn’t find the Destroyer’s signals anywhere around. He looked for any submarine’s signals, but they were totally stranded.

With no hope, he pulled out his gun and joined the fight. The trawler kept sailing without any direction. The 10 young men had already killed most of his crew, and now they were in control. They shot the Captain on his leg. He dragged himself to a safer place, but they followed him. They held him captive. He shut his eyes.

“AJMAL! Usko pakad ke rakh! maarna nahi!! Usko kee patha hai kaha jaana hai!” one of them screamed.

This Kasab laughed mercilessly and dragged the Captain out.

“Chala isko! Mumbai ke or chala! “, he said. the Captain had no choice. He had to steer them towards Mumbai. They even had maps. They were prepared.

An hour later, he could see the Indian coast. He tried to steer away.

“Kya kar rahe ho!!??” Kasab asked..

“Yeh Mumbai nahi hai! Yaha nahi jaa sakthe hai… ” he said. They didn’t buy it. He brought his gun out…

“Yeh dekh!! Hindustan ko barbaad kar daalenge hum sab. Maar daalenge sabhi ko! Jihad hai yeh! Yaha se hame patha hai kaha jaana hai… Tera koi kaam nahi hai ab!” he said, and they all laughed mercilessly.

And then they shot the captain, and locked him in the room where he had tried to contact the Indian Navy a while ago.

He knew that this was his end. His life’s happiest, and saddest moments flashed across his mind. He thought about his children… His parents… The day he got his first pay…

“Sham no Varunah!” – the Navy’s Motto. He was losing consciousness. He heard a beep, and he saw a dim red light. The machine came to life finally. He prayed that it wasn’t too late.

“10 armed men. Mumbai coast. Terrorists.” was all he could manage. he hoped the signals would carry the message on time to the Mumbai Naval base.

“Sham no Varunah!” he thought.

The last thing he recollected was his daughter’s carefree laugh… and then everything went blank…..

The Captain had breathed his last.

5 hours later, a message beeped in the Indian Naval Base of Mumbai, but no one seemed to notice.

2 hours later, Mumbai was under attack.

The next day, the newspapers carried the chilling headlines….

“MUMBAI UNDER ATTACK. BLACK DAY!”

(Re)birth...

2011-10-21T22:46:00.003+05:30

Breath. The first sensation. The first thing to fill my lungs. Exhilarating. I remember to try and tell them I’m alive. Wait!! I cannot talk yet. So I cry. I bawl, in fact. And everyone’s happy that I’m crying. I realize that this is step 1 of life being so confusing. And I hear someone whisper some soothing things…. Was that God!??.. I try to open my eyes, but they feel too heavy. Instead, I chose to sleep. I could feel a number of people trying to hold me… Trying to say things which I couldn’t comprehend… Things totally meaningless, too, I guess. But one hug stood out. I wanted to know who that was, and I tried to open my eyes, yet again.
Again, I hear the same whisper… And I KNOW that it’s God Himself. Telling me how to deal with everyone… Telling me how I’m supposed to be…. Comforting me when I thought I wanted to go back to Him, siting reasons like “there are just too many of them here. Suffocating. I don’t want to be here!”
I smile… and then I hear a number of things click (my eyes are still shut, you see?).
I’m still curious about that hug… Whoever it was, didn’t touch me after that. I sulked. Everyone laughed. It was not comfortable. I confronted God again.
“Come ON! Take me back! I don’t want to be here!!”
He didn’t listen to me. All He said was “If you can be stubborn, so can I.”
I bawled. Again. I tried to open my eyes, and AGAIN He forced them shut. “Stubborn, eh!? I want to see the world. And You’re NOT stopping me!”, I said. And before He could say something, I opened them. Immediately I regretted doing so. It was just… Too bright. I shut them immediately. But before I shut them, I thought I saw one big grin. I liked it. It looked like it was the same person who gave me a scorching hug. I opened my eyes again, and looked at him. I thought I remembered him… His face was vaguely familiar. Again, before I could say something, God put me back to sleep. And in my dreams, I kept throwing a volley of questions at Him.
“I KNOW that I’ve seen him somewhere, so DON’T lie to me!!!! You told me that lying is bad, so why’re You doing this!!?”
“Fine.”, He said with a sigh. “You’re far more stubborn than I thought you would be. What was I thinking when I decided to make you!? Yes, you’ve seen him around. He went there 5 years before you did.”
Silence. I have company!
“Will he be my friend? Will he take care of me?”, I asked. Very seriously.

He looked into my eyes. “Yes. Now it’s time for you to go back down there. And PLEASE stick to the rules. Don’t be too playful, or things will go horribly wrong…” He said.

I went back down there. And I opened my eyes again. This time, He didn’t stop me. He encouraged me, in fact. He dimmed the lights for me. He asked the Sun to hide behind the clouds for just a few minutes. The first thing I saw was a hand. And then, a big grin. It was a very happy face. I tried to say something, but God just knew that I’d bend the rules. So He had tampered with my orator skills, I guess. So whatever the hell it was that I wanted to say came out as some noise, which sounded a lot like “Goo gaa” mixed with a laugh. Sigh. Where am I? Why am I here? What am I doing here!!?? I thought I heard a low chuckle. I knew that He was already having fun.

“THIS is why you sent me here? To watch me fool around and have a good laugh!!??” I thought. Angrily. (I knew he’d be listening)… Silence was the only response that I got.

Anyways, I tried to focus on the hand and the grin again. And this time I looked up. The eyes were dark, like mine. He had very playful eyes. He kept talking, and I found it fascinating.

“She has such HUGE eyes!!! I wanted such HUGE eyes!!”, he said. I guess I smiled, because the next second he said “Mummy!!! She’s SMILING!!!!”

And then there were a million people all around. I didn’t like it. Not one bit. Even up there, I made sure I didn’t have too many people surrounding me. I just stuck to God half the time. I kept playing with His hair, or hid myself in his hands. It was so much fun!!

Well, whatever. I tried locating that voice. That was the closest to listening to God play around with me. I couldn’t, and I went back to sleep, instead. Voluntarily, this time.

“You SHOULDN’T have done that, you know!?” He fumed.

“WHAT, I DON’T like it when a million people just block my whole view!! And WHY were they not letting me see him!?”

“See whom?”

“Well, him!!!”

“Well, whom!!??” He was amused. Grrr..

“HIM!!! the.. the… You know! The one who was standing next to me… What am I supposed to call him?”

“Er.. Bhai? Bhaiyya? Annayya? Anna? Cheta?”

“Any other language? What’s his name?”

“Varun.” He grinned.

“Oh! Okay I’ll decide what I want to call him. What will they name me?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Whatever they want to.” He said. “Now, go back. Wake up!! And stay awake for at least an hour!! And then, I want you to come back to me. You’ll be very tired, and I’ll have to take care of you. Get it?”

I nodded and went back. This time, instead of opening my eyes directly, I made my ears listen to every sound in that place. I heard a few birds chirping… Something was whirring… Some hums… A few snores (they sounded scary). A lot of talking. It was like a constant buzz. And then I heard him again.. “She wants to wake up, but she isn’t. Mummy wake her up!!”.

I opened my eyes, and turned my heavy head in that direction. He poked my cheeks when I did, and I smiled. No, I laughed.

“VARUN!” someone chided him.

I was all ears. I wanted to know him better.

“You’ll fall down, be careful!!! Don’t strain yourself so much!!! CAREFUL with your stitches!!” I frowned… Weren’t those supposed to be words for me?

“I don’t care. Look at her!!! I want to play with her. I can make her laugh!” he said. Proudly. I DID laugh… Somehow he was a source of comfort…. “Mummy look!!! She’s looking at me. See?” he said… I think I did, because I kept moving my head… Or when I felt too lazy, only my eyes, in whichever direction he went.

I heard the wind sigh, then. I knew that it was my cue to go back to sleep and visit Him.

“BEFORE you start asking me questions, let me just tell you something” He said. I sulked. He took that for a ‘go ahead’.

“You have a lot of work to do down there. I know that sticking to the rules is going to be very tough for you, and that’s why I’ve sent Varun down there already. To help you. He will guide you throughout, and you just need to be good. I want you to understand that you need to bring about a change in at least one person’s life. Well, I send everyone with the same thing. Everyone has a purpose in life. I want you to discover yours.”

I looked up at Him.

“Can I?” I hope He knew what I meant.

“Yes you can. You’re my masterpiece. Everyone down there is my masterpiece. Just remember that whenever you want to give up, all you have to do is to summon me, and I’ll be there. Right next to you.”

I wanted to cry, but I knew that it wouldn’t help. He noticed. “I think it’s okay to cry” He said.

“And… What were they talking about? Stitches…. Falling down…?” I asked Him… He knew I was trying to distract myself. He smiled…

“Well, he gave away his heart on his way to someone who wanted it desperately. And his legs. I’ve replaced his heart and legs. But just 2 years ago, so he has to still be careful. No harm, don’t worry…” He said.

I just nodded. I squared my little shoulders. I hugged Him. “I’ll miss You. A lot.” I said…

“No you wont. I’ll be there RIGHT next to you, but I’ll be invisible. That’s all” He said… I nodded again…

“Remember. Stick to the rules. You’ll have a lot of heart breaks and disappointments… They’ll only make you stronger, and will guide you towards your goal… You will find it out, don’t fret.” He said….

“I’ll always be there…. Right beside you…” His voice was going dim…. I had to go back. And face the new place. All alone. With Him invisible next to me. I wouldn’t disappoint Him.

Random

2011-06-11T12:50:00.002+05:30

Subtle changes going unnoticed,

strong desire to scream.

Bottled up thoughts,

all of them ready to be brought out in a stream.

Efforts to contain them all again,

because of the knowledge that it’ll just cause more pain.

Helpless thoughts seeking someone,

who’ll just listen, and not question.

Eyes start brimming with tears,

but the palms wipe them out, for they’ve been hidden for years.

The mind strays away in other directions,

trying to find some distractions.

Will someone listen??

Always been there for you,

but now, I need someone…

Is there any way that it could be you?

Always been there when you wanted,

but now I need someone…

Can it be you?

No questions… No answers…

No advice…Just some silence… Is all I need.

Birthday

2011-04-17T21:18:00.001+05:30

Memories: They can either destroy you completely at a shot, or they kill you slowly and softly. Yes, memories have been killing me softly, and every time I’ve tried to shy away from them, I end up being more entangled within their strings. And mysteriously, these strings seem to pull my very own strings.. Or rather this is how I should put it – These memories have been made from the fibres of my very own heart. And that’s why these thoughts hurt so much. Maybe that’s why I can’t free myself from them.

Eight years ago, I had been able to laugh on this very day and celebrate a friend’s birthday. A year later, he was missing from our lives: He just left a big, empty space instead. Vacuum. Just… Empty space, and nothing else. And no one could replace him. The very memory of giving you all those gifts you had always wanted, and to see them abandoned the very next year… All those chocolates… The laughter…..

Sometimes I wonder why God made you. Sometimes I wonder why did he put you in the same school and class as me. Why he made you my best friend. And finally, why he was so cruel to me that he just took away everything from me when he took you. Maybe He loved you too much to keep you for a long time in this big, bad, ugly world.

I miss you.. a lot. and I really hope you’re watching over me from wherever you are. I can’t say “cheers to a long and healthy life”, but I can surely say “This would have been your 23rd birthday, Happy birthday, Shri!!” and I would have hugged you like any little girl would have hugged her brother.

I do miss you. And… Happy birthday. Again.

Always remembered. Never forgotten.
Loads of love.
Roh

Recruitment

2011-02-25T21:33:00.001+05:30

December 5th, 2009:

5:30 am

“Wake up Rohini! You’ll be late!”

I mumbled that I didn’t want to go anymore and that I wanted to sleep, instead….

My ears were red 10 minutes later when I finally woke up: Dad had pinched my ears, and I had yelled worse than ever for waking me up.

6:30 am:

We were at the Bangalore Railway Station. I was running along the platforms trying to locate my friends. I finally found one:

“DUFFER!” I yelled, and he actually responded

“FINALLY you reached!”

“Yeah, sorry. I woke up late.”

“As usual. OK there’s a minor problem, your ticket is confirmed, but I don’t think you’ll be in the same compartment as us. We’ll have to look for someone to exchange.”

I stared at him. No, I was glaring daggers at him. I went ahead and dumped my luggage in the same compartment and got down. Then another friend saw me and heaved a sigh of relief.

I saw her parents standing on the platform, and went ahead and spoke to them. They wished all of us luck, and finally we left. I got to sit in the same compartment, thankfully. The whole train was filled with people from the 2006-2010 batch of ASE-Blr: We were going to Ettimadai “City” for our Campus Recruitment.

8.30 am:

S, M and I were sitting and chatting, while A, R and J were slogging. Then M wanted to sleep, so he dozed off.

S and I continued talking while the others kept slogging. After a while, both of us felt horribly conscious that we were the only ones who weren’t even making an effort to study.

We tried to open our books, but we were too excited that this was our first “Batch outing”. Obviously we ended up laughing too much, and earned some glares from J and R.

11:00 am:

Finally we thought we’ll open our books. We took help from D, and he taught us some C Programming basics. Clearly both of us didn’t understand a word, but we had to pretend.

We reached Coimbatore at around 2 pm, and there was a cab waiting for us. Pinky’s dad had arranged for a cab till Ettimadai. We laughed and played till we reached the campus, and when we got there, the first thing that greeted us was a large banner that read “L&T”. We shivered.

The Kerala and TN campus students glared at the Bangalore Campus students: We never got along well. They hated us, and we hated them even more. So all of us got a few glares as we walked, and we just laughed right on their face when they did that.

The campus was BEAUTIFUL, and S and I wanted to explore. R and J wanted to study. A majority of them wanted to study, and so an hour later we found ourselves trying to understand some CAT problem.

S and I got bored after a while, and gave up. Pinky joined us in 5 minutes. We began walking around the same building, and finally ended up in the Mess. The food was awful, as expected.

when we came back, J and R were still slogging. We raised our eye brows and gave them some surprised looks.

Around 1:00 am, after a lot of laughing and chatting Pinky, S and I finally crashed.

December 6th, 2009:

6:00 am:

All of us woke up slowly. I opened my eyes, and J was all decked up and ready. FINALLY that scared me, and I woke up and hurried to the bathroom….. The water was freezing: no hot water in the campus. The weather was pretty cold, and still there was no supply of hot water in the campus. I clapped for them. It took me 30 minutes to get ready, and another 30 to control my anger. We had our breakfast in the mess, and hurried to the pandal where the CTS officials were going to talk to us. . . .

It was boring. there was no other word to describe the mood all around. We had our written test the next day, and the results were out in the night.

S, M, A and I got through, while Pinky, J and R didn’t. They were obviously disappointed. We didn’t know what to say, and we just encouraged them to do well next time. They slogged even more…..

after finding out our panel numbers, we came back to our room. S and I were very quiet, and for once we didn’t laugh around so much. We crashed at 10:30 pm.

December 7th, 2009:

The HR interview was SUPPOSED to be in the morning, but somehow I gave my interview at 1:30 pm. S said that her interview was okay. I found mine okay, too. But then, all of a sudden there were rumors that mine was the so called “Rejection Panel”. I didn’t believe a word of it. When I told S, she wasn’t all that sure. I just shrugged it off.

5:00 pm.

Another meeting. another round of CTS related stuff.

“Around 500 people selected out of 1200. Not a good figure” Ro was saying…

A shiver ran down my spine……

The results were out at 8:00 pm, and I found out that M, A and I hadn’t cleared the PI round. S had. We were VERY happy for S, but sad that we were not in the same company. We had all dreamed about working for the same company. I ended up crying a lot.

S and I went for a walk and she cheered me up. she boosted up my confidence, even though I knew that she was upset about the “results”… She was supposed to leave the campus the next day, but she didn’t want to go. Neither did M and I want her to go. After some tearful goodbyes, we finally got back to our respective rooms. Pinky cheered me up again.

Infy was recruiting the next day, and I wanted to get through that company. No more rejection.

December 8th, 2009:

10:00 am:

We were in the allotted classroom, waiting to give our written test. I was confident that I would nail it. M still couldn’t get over the shock that I had recovered that fast, and he didn’t like the over confident look on my face. And to make things worse, he fell sick the previous night.

I closed my eyes, thought about all the encouraging things S had said…. All the happy things… all the mad things…….. When I opened my eyes, M, A and J were laughing at me: I must have been grinning too much. R looked like she was about to throw up.

2 hours later, M, A and I were confident about clearing the written test, while R and J weren’t. We kept cheering them up. The written test results were out an hour later, and 81 students from the Bangalore campus had cleared it. We didn’t care about the other campus students. when I heard that only 81 had cleared, I found my confidence slipping away.

30 minutes later, I was upset again: I had cleared the written test, but Pinky, R and J hadn’t. I couldn’t look into their eyes.

“Just go do well in the HR. I’m SURE you’ll clear it, man!” Pinky was saying. I just mumbled, and hurried to the HR Interview.

The Interview went well. In fact, that was an understatement. It was AWEsome. I had confused the interviewer apparently. He actually said that I’m very unpredictable.

A few hours later, I found out that 79 of us had cleared. M and I were unstoppable. We kept yelling and cheering in spite of the strict instructions that no one was allowed to make noise within the campus. And all of a sudden we were all hugging each other. I called S and told her, and she started cheering even more.

Wonderful night, it was… But I didn’t want to go back to the room: R, J and Pinky hadn’t cleared the written test. It was very awkward when I went back, and J told me that Pinky had locked herself up for a very long time and scared everyone. Now it was my turn to boost someone else’s confidence. I just knew that she needed some quiet. I asked her to sleep. She did. In the morning, she was fine. She helped me pack: N, Ami and I were heading back home.

We were all very quiet. When we flagged down a cab, they finally started speaking, and I was relieved: I knew they would be fine in no time….

It was pandemonium when I came back home. All my friends were at home, and they were yelling at the top of their lungs: I was the first one in the gang to get placed. My uncle’s kids were happy that I was home after 4 days. They kept yelling till they slept.

Finally, I went back to my room: I had already told P that I had cleared Infy, and she initiated a thread in PFDB. I smiled: she was always very quick.

I kept getting calls, and I kept answering them all…

It was a wonderful feeling…… I was placed, which I didn’t expect at all. There was just one problem: S wasn’t in the same company as M and I. We knew that we would miss each other a lot. We made a lot of silent promises to each other… that we would regularly keep in touch. That we would keep meeting each other regularly. Sometimes, friendship is the only thing that would keep you on the surface without letting you drown. As I spoke to S again, I knew that it was true. S, I owe you one for that…. Love you loads.

PS: Bad writing skills, I know.

Unique? Or what....

2011-02-25T21:25:00.002+05:30

Time flies!!!

It literally does! I feel as if it was only yesterday that I celebrated my 21st birthday, and here I am – facing my 22nd birthday in a few months’ time. It’s funny. When you want it to slow down, it has a nasty habit of quickening it’s pace. And it leaves quite a few changes in it’s wake – some good, and most of them bad. It just keeps adding responsibilities every day. Slowly.

10 years ago all I had to worry about was my exams in school. And winning those Dance and sports related competitions. I considered them challenging, back then. And now I have a new definition for “challenging”. Surviving in this big, bad, mad world is something VERY challenging.

Was it really almost 7 years ago that I sat for my 10th grade boards?

One thing I’ve been wondering for the past few years: What is our purpose on this planet? Surely God didn’t just make us to get wasted away doing all the common, ordinary things!!?? There has to be SOME purpose. He creates, and He chooses what to do with us.

As kids (and even as teens) we were asked to study so that we get good marks, and get into some major institutions. My question: get into one of those prestigious institutions, study, get good scores, get placed in a good company… And then what? Is that it? Nothing else? Really?…

Well, that seems to be very boring. If this is all life is about, then there is just no point in living such a monotonous existence. We need some more adventure in such a boring, routine life. Being a person who believes in God, I think we all have come here to help others out. By help, I don’t mean sit in front of computers creating web pages for a few clients.

We’re here to help the people who NEED help. people who need help even to walk. People who need help to live. That could make life a little more action packed. Some people just say that “love” makes life better. Yeah, okay. It does. But it just doesn’t give you as much happiness as when you help someone, and you see the smile on their face. It just makes you feel so proud about your existence.

It’s too common to summarize our lives as: “He/she came. He/she lived. He/she went.”

I know … It sounds too boring!!!!

We need to live a life where no body can really define it. Where no one can summarize it in such lame one liners. I don’t want to be someone very common. I want to be someone unique, but at the same time I don’t want too much of attention to whatever I do. I feel it ruins everything.

We have a choice in whatever we do, so why not make the best use of it!!??.. We need to make the right decisions, and to help us out with that, we have so many people around us…. It’s human tendency to do whatever everyone else does, but there’s no fun in it. Life’s much more fun when there’s SOME risk involved.

It’s like trekking up a steep surface knowing that you’re only a few feet away from death, but you still go ahead. And when you conquer the peak, you have the satisfaction of doing something the others haven’t done before.

Well, time for more action.

Later

(“chop chop!!”)

Fall

2011-02-20T21:21:00.002+05:30

I was sitting at the edge of the cliff. I was enjoying the breeze, which was playing with my hair. I looked up at the sky, and it seemed to reflect my mood. Currently, it was a little cloudy. I smiled up at the sky, and all of a sudden there was sunlight behind those clouds. God’s own way of playing??

When I looked down again, the sea seemed to be rushing up to me. It had already edged up a little, but it would take a few more years before it could reach me. I sat there all alone, recalling everything about that day… And then he came out of nowhere and sat next to me.

“What’re YOU doing here?” I asked him.

“Nothing! I was looking for you, and figured you’d be here.” he said.

I frowned. The sky above darkened. I was angry with him. That was the reason I was sitting there, in the first place before I got distracted by the sea. I gave him a very dark look, and he just laughed. I looked down again. The sea looked like it had crept up a little. Weird.

“Well, why did you just ditch us yesterday???” I asked him.

“Had to go. Mum kept calling me.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“hmm”

We continued to watch the sun set in the distance. It was about to hide below the water, and in sometime everything would go dark. Then I noticed what he was wearing. White robes.

“What’s with those robes, Shri??”

“I’m following the dress code, you know. I have a dress code.”

“Dress code? Where??”

“Oh don’t ask!” he said.

I was lost. I knew better than to ask him to explain, because he would make it even more mysterious. I just shrugged and looked away. It was beginning to get cold, so I got up to leave.

“Wanna come along? Or are you going to behave like a prat again?” I asked him.

He just grinned.

“I’ll be there… Keep walking. There’s something I need to do.”

I looked at him curiously. He grinned again.

“Whatever, bro. Do what you want. I have some chocolates for you, so hurry up. They won’t last long…”

“I’ll be there before you can open the box. Breathe.” He said.

“Yeah, right. In your dreams.” I said, and began taking long strides.

“My dreams??? We’re in your dreams, girl!” he said.

I froze, and slowly turned behind. I stared.

“Dream? Mine?.. So you’re not here??”

He laughed even more. And then he got up.

“You know.. You should stop being a cry baby. You should be more tough. I don’t belong to your world anymore, so you should just let go of all the memories. Seriously. Take care…” he said… And he jumped.

I was paralyzed. He kept falling down, and I kept watching him fall… I was trying to yell for some help, but I couldn’t. I tried to run, but I couldn’t. I watched him fall into the sea. The sun had finally set.

Seconds later, I woke up with a start. It was 4:00 am. I held back my tears. I had promised, after all.

2011-02-19T10:51:00.000+05:30

7 years up. Miss you. :)

FLASHES!

2011-02-06T12:05:00.008+05:30

I was watching my dad stare in “that” direction: The direction of a boy who was looking like he was fast asleep. He looked lost. He didn’t shed a tear. I wished I could do something, but I couldn’t. Everyone had the same expression: a blank look. More like a very shocked expression. I went down the memory lane…………

It was a long time ago. A year ago, to be precise. February 19^th, 2003. I felt pain in my stomach. Excruciating pain. Pain so bad, it made me want to cut up my stomach into half and somehow remove it. I remember falling off the couch, and my father’s concerned expression clouding my vision.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a very clean room. I could hear people talking outside the room. I saw a few green curtains, and realized that I was in a dingy hospital which was a few minutes away from my place. I could look out of the door. When I did, I saw my father talking to the doctor. Both their expressions were very somber. Especially dad’s. I had seen that expression only thrice before, and instantly, I knew what was coming….

A week later, I went to the institution. I had decided I won’t let them into this little dark secret of mine. Pops was trying to be normal, and so was I. The thought of their faces going red…. At least one of theirs… And their eyes widening…. Followed by their tears was even more painful than the physical pain. Especially after I successfully had changed the way she dealt with her life. No, I didn’t want them to know. Maybe sometime later………. No, not even then.

So anyways… As I was saying….. A week later, when I went back to the institution, both of them were waiting for me. Both of them looked murderous. R’s frame was shaking, and P looked like she was about to cry. I was more concerned about R, because she was nearly going to throw a temper tantrum very soon. And then they saw me, and both of them looked at each other. Probably the fact that I had lost weight in a week showed.

R glared at me with raised eye brows. I smiled to myself… The standard expression.

P was even more mature about it. She had concern in her eyes, and she was deciding whether I could carry my bag. Well, obviously she decided I looked too weak, so she took the bag away from me. I gave her one shaky laugh and walked with them. The whole day I tried to be normal. I was nervous, in fact. How will I tell them?…

Once or twice, I thought I saw them exchange glances. But when I looked back, they were working on the assigned project. Maybe my imagination…….

That night, my stomach hurt again. This time, I tried to get the tablets myself instead of waking up Pops. But I fell down after a few steps, and hurt myself. Dad came running into the room, and by the time I was conscious, I was thankfully lying on my own bed.

This was getting out of hand, and I knew that the only way to get away from them was a lie. Next day, at the institution, I told them that I didn’t want to continue my education in that school and that I wanted to go to a school that was much better. Both of them looked hurt, but that was the only way I had.

It was the month of April. My birthday was coming up, so I was pretty sure they would want to visit me. They did. They gave me a black t shirt which had the faces of my favorite band’s members printed on it. I thanked them, and said that I had to go out, and I didn’t have time to meet them. Again, I had hurt them, but it was for their own good.

Sometime in June, I wore the same t shirt. It was hanging loose on me. I knew they would be concerned, but my excuse was that I wanted books from them before I could go to the other school. I wanted to see them… One last time before time could change everything…

At the school, I took the books and spoke to them for hardly sometime. This time over, P looked strong, and R looked like she was about to cry. I warned her. She stopped. That was the last memory I had of them…. Both of them hiding their tears….. I felt angry with myself for doing that, but then… It was for their own good…..

And today, in the morning, I was taken to a hospital in Lucknow. The doctors tried to revive me, but they failed. Pops rushed inside the room… He was crying. I held his hand, and asked him not to cry. The pain was beginning to cloud my vision. Memories flashed before my eyes…. The laughter.. The tears… Their faces… Mom… Mom’s face before she…. Well, I was going to meet her soon… Dad’s face when he saw mum lying peacefully….

I knew that dad would be crushed. I knew that they would be crushed. P was more mature, but then R couldn’t handle it. I prayed to God that she should be alright soon. All the memories flooded my brain…. My hands were going numb. They had turned blue. My feet were cold. The pain was too much to handle. I could see my mum calling out to me. I smiled, and reached for her.

One last breath in this big, bad world, and I would be free. Or so I thought. I took that one last breath. I was at peace instantly. I would be meeting mom very soon, so I wanted to see how they would handle it.

When they got to know, they rushed home. They were now staring at me lying with that awful smile, while they were well beyond tears. This wasn’t how I had wanted it. I wanted to do something. I couldn’t. It was against the rules of my new world. I hoped they would get over it soon. At that moment, dad got up, and went outside. I followed him outside. He was holding something in his hands….. It was a picture of mom, me and him during happier times. Finally he cried.

I couldn’t take it, and went back in…. I decided I would visit them… R and P. P was far away, so R would be very lonely. They would be lonely without each other. I decided I would visit P first. She was crying. Well, she would be fine. Crying helps.

I visited R next. She was still staring at some picture. Her expression was the same as my dad’s. Frozen. She was staring at a picture of the 3 of us. No tears at all. I wished she would just let it all out, but I had taught her to control the emotions. And now, I was regretting. She was the kid always, and she was the little sister I never had. I didn’t want to see her like that. I sat there looking at her helplessly while she got up and tried to look very strong when her mum came in. She was looking for something in her cupboard next. She finally found the camera. She opened it up hoping to find the reel, but I had removed the reel months ago so that she didn’t have any evidence that I had existed. I saw her stare at the empty camera.

I knew she would be tough. I felt horrible. Suddenly I felt someone hold me. It was my mother. I finally hugged her. After 3 long years, I had met her. I looked back at R. My mother assured me that she would be alright soon. I looked up at mom, and I felt much better. I looked back at the scene before me one last time…. Before I could feel even worse, I went with mom.

................................................................

2010-11-01T15:29:00.001+05:30

I opened my eyes. My friend was trying to wake me up without scaring me. I had asked her to wake me up in 10 minutes, but as I checked my watch, I realized that the 10 minutes had passed on to become 30 minutes. I looked up at her apologetically. She smiled in response.

I had made it perfectly clear to everyone who knew me that waking me up would be the last thing they would want to do because I’m generally very violent when people try to do so. I could see that she was waiting for my temper tantrum, and I felt guilty for being such a grouch at times. An hour ago, I’d almost broken my cell phone in a fit of rage because the day hadn’t gone well. I was mad at myself for screwing it up so badly. I yawned widely, and she knew that it was the end of my temper. She sighed with relief. I could feel the blood rush into my ears and cheeks ‘cuz of the awkward situation, and I tried to look around. The whole classroom was empty: It was still the tea break. My friends were waiting for me to wake up. And then I felt something hot trickle down my nose.

“Eww, yuck!!” i thought to myself, and before anyone could catch me in such an embarrassing situation I pulled out a tissue and held it to my nose. When I wanted another tissue, I realized that it was getting out of control: I SHOULD visit the doctor, who would just inject some weird medicine into my system and make me even more drowsy.

“Stupid nose bleed” I said to myself.

Why the hell did God connect my temper to my nose!!!!????

So I ran to the restroom, leaving everyone surprised. I prayed that my nose was fine now. After coloring 2 more tissues with the dirty blood, it finally stopped bleeding. I slowly walked back to class. When I opened the door, I could see that all my friends had expressions of concern on their face. I smiled. They relaxed.. Only a little.

They decided that we all had to go out of the campus for a walk. I wanted to go alone. They didn’t want me to go alone, so after a lot of lectures on going alone, I finally agreed.

We left the campus at 6.30 pm and started walking towards the temple they had decided to go. I thought it would be a very silent walk (on my part at least) because my mood reflected on my actions. I kept brooding over the same thing for a very long time. Finally they had enough of this mood change of mine, and they stopped me.

“Roh!! Where’s the madness!!?? C’mon stop thinking about the same thing!!!”

“Yeah” was all I could manage to respond.

I preferred silence. It gave me more time to think about what went wrong. I was sure abut one thing: It was all my fault. I had messed it up myself. I walked in silence for some more time, and then all of a sudden it hit me…

I was THIS depressed because of ONE friggin exam. Bah! It so wasn’t me. I knew that I would belt the next one, so why would I have to be so upset and break everything and scare people!! Yes, I couldn’t take the low grade because I had slogged too much, and had lost out on my sleep the previous night. But maybe I should be more relaxed. That would be the key to unlock my long lost hidden talent…

And then the madness returned. The others were stunned.

“Typical Geminian. I HATE the mood swings.” I heard one of them say. I grinned in response. I knew it all looked mad, but I had regained all my confidence and positive attitude…

Whatte…. .

Reasons....

2010-09-30T12:58:00.002+05:30

Everyone has been asking me why I don't want to get married, or why I'm afraid of relationships. Why SHOULD I is MY question.

Here are some of my reasons- not necessarily in the same order, and I really hope people stop asking me the same old question(s) again and again, and make me feel like a ratty old tape recorder.

In the Indian system, the girl leaves behind her family to live with the husbands family. Why would I want to leave the people I know and love for someone whom I barely know?
I'm short tempered, and that temper tends to hurt people a lot. I can't stand hurting someone's feelings so often.
I can't stand possessive people. Period. when a girl gets married, there are a billion questions she needs to answer. I need my own space and freedom.
I hate it when I can't get what I really want, and the word 'compromise' sounds like a bad word to me. Especially coz I hardly ask for something, but when I do, I NEED it. Denying what I want would only make me throw tantrums so bad that I'll be branded a brat.
I've seen lots of couples splitting up. I've seen couples getting divorced. I've seen TOO many failed relationships. That's really scary.
Arguments and heart breaks and tears are synonymous with relationships.. and marriage. I'm not up for such kind of a life. I'm not all keyed up to screw up my own life that way.
Permissions.. even to get out of the house - as if we don't get it as it is everyday.
How the HELL are we going to live with someone we hardly know!!!? It's WEIRD.
I want to build an Orphanage, and I'm POSITIVE that the 'other' family is certainly going to have issues with that. I'm not giving up on my dream for someone else.
I need freedom. I need my own space. Denying it is crime.

As of now, these are my reasons. Marriage - the whole institution is scary.

Later, then! :-)

Rohini

Masterpiece.

2010-09-02T23:32:00.003+05:30

I stared at him. My eyes were helping me with the telepathic accusal.

How COULD you do that to me??

Just SHUT THE HELL UP was the rude response (Telepathic, of course!).

Now my eyes started watering. I knew that he would find some vindictive pleasure watching me weep. I didn't want that to happen, but the traitor tears already made my lashes wet.

He was angry, and so was I!

Everyone around us didn't dare to interfere. Both of us had the reputation of being hot headed and cold blooded. (Whatever! my "inner voice" screams)..

Someone stifled a giggle.

"What's so funny?" I yelled in the general direction of that giggle..

"Sorry" was the controlled reply.

"Stay away!" I warned.

Now HE started laughing. That was horribly embarrassing, and I couldn't take that/ I slapped him hard across the face.

Shock registered across his features (My inner SELF seemed happy at that point). And then anger. I knew that it would only be a matter of seconds before he could break my arm, so I used my only weapon: my tears.

That scared him, and he FINALLY apologized.

"Apology NOT accepted" I mumbled

"Seriously. Sorry!! That wont happen again. Sorryyyyyyyy! Don't make me say that again." he said...

"Go away! You're mean"

Then he gave me some chocolates that he had in his pocket.

"Last time, okay? Sorry" he said..

"Hmph.. Okay!"

Both of us looked down at the 'masterpiece' I was working on for the last 3.5 hours. He had mercilessly ripped it to pieces, and in return, I had dragged him out by the collar and pushed him ... Exactly when Mr Chandrasekhar walked in. I was FURIOUS. It was meant to be my masterpiece! And now it was in bits and pieces... Waiting to be thrown into the dust bin. My ears were glowing by now (Thanks to the mixed emotions)...

I kept muttering throughout the afternoon... By the end of the day, he bought a huge painting set, and even helped me finish the painting (He's an artist, too)..

Well... I MUST say... Even though they can sometimes be a big pain up the... Well.. a BIG pain..brothers are an advantage... An adorable advantage...

Happy Raksha Bandhan to ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL my brothers out there... :)

PS:

Mr Chandrasekhar = my uncle.

Back!

2010-07-24T01:28:00.002+05:30

Well.. Been a very long time since I posted something here. I had plans of writing about how I felt during my campus recruitment (that was in December 2009). And I even wanted to mention something about how I felt on the last day of my Engineering life in Amrita School of Engineering, AND the last day in Bangalore. Well not really the last day in Bangalore, but I couldn't come up with better words.

I was either too lazy or too busy. :D

And since it's too late to talk about ANY of the aforementioned topics, I'll write about my stay at the Mysore Infosys campus.

1 word to describe the campus: Awesome.

1 word to describe how I felt on Day1: Lost.

1 word to describe the first week: Signatures.

1 word to describe week 2: Assignments.

And 'Assignments' is the word that keeps drifting across my mind almost every day after lunch.

Jokes apart, I'm having fun working on the assignments, and thanks to all the walking, I've actually started walking faster. :D

Yay!

Everything is kind of.. Strict within the campus... But then I thankfully have some friends who can make me smile, and SOME who can scare the hell out of me. No, honestly.. I can;t figure out whether I'm having fun or not.

Just 3 or 4 weeks into the training, and I can almost feel the pressure. Kinda scary, but I hope that won't make any difference.

And personally, I think my English is improving: I don't know how. I don't know why - it just is!

I'm so glad about that some how :D.

Aaaaaaaaaand it's 1:38 am, so I gotta crash now.

Later! :)

Cheers

2010-02-19T00:08:00.002+05:30

6 years up....

Miss you a lot. I can never forget what you did for all of us. I can never forget the fact that you hid your pain to make us happy... I wish you were here. I wish this day had never come...

Stay with us forever.......

Freedom.

2010-01-20T15:49:00.005+05:30

Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes."-Clare Boothe Luce

I agree with every word that Clare has said. That's how the women are. no, that's how women have been from the beginning. Always blamed, always crushed, always the ones to suffer. When there's a successful woman around, no one really gives her the credit that a man who isn't as successful would have got. Isn't this unfair?

Right from the time a girl is born

, there is an imaginary cage all around her, and even if she wants to be free, she just can't! And that's when she is always dominated. A woman's opinions never count as much as the man's opinions - reason? An illusion that women are born without the power to think. Yeah, right.

Seriously, enough is enough. We've had enough of being so suppressed. Enough of being so restricted. Enough of all the madness around. Give us our own space, and give us our freedom. That's all we need! When a woman wants something, there are a million questions that she needs to answer before she gets it. When a man wants something, he has it almost within the next hour. and no questions. It's time to put our foot down, and let the men know that we're sick and tired of all the weird things that they've been doing.

Enough of restricting the woman to the kitchen. Enough of all the differentiating. Enough comparing. We're exhausted, really. We just ask you for some freedom, and you act like it's a sin. Tired of all this injustice.

It takes a long time for a woman to love, but when she does, no one has the power to stop her. And that applies everywhere. When a woman wants something, she'll fight for it till she gets it. We do have the power to think, and much more than you people. We maybe physically weak, but mentally we're a zillion times stronger than you. And if you can stop dominating over us and give us our space, you'll know that we're much more than pretty faces or whatever. We're not 'waste', as some men think we are.

All the men out there....Stop the violence against women. Give us our freedom, or get ready to face us....

Rohini

PS:

I know that this isn't a good write up. I've put my thoughts into words quite randomly.

Friend.... Please!

2009-12-18T21:45:00.003+05:30

'No smile is more beautiful than the one that struggles through tears..'

Well, I can't smile. Not from the heart.

November 4th:
Online. Preparing for the lab examination the next day. Realize that Friend is not so happy.
End of the whole conversation I found out that all's not well with friend.
I prayed. Please don't do something mad. Please be okay.

November 5th:
Lab exam was tragic. I needed to crib. Couldn't find Friend. Had hopes. Please be okay, friend. Please.

Weeks later:
The end semesters. Couldn't find Friend again. By now, I'm frantic. Someone help me, please.

A few days ago:
Bad news. I believe it for a while. I lose it. I start hallucinating. I faint a few times. Again, I'm optimistic. Please, friend. You should be okay - you promised!

Yesterday:
Some good news. I'm even more optimistic now. God, I beg you - you can have me instead of Friend. Please be okay.

Today:
Waiting for some news.
2009 certainly isn't one of the best years. Too many tragic things happening in the same year. Friend, please be okay.
I can't lose another one -I'm not that strong even though I pretend to be. You promised to be there for all of us, and now you have no right to go back on that promise. Get it?
I need you, friend. I need to be sane for a while. I wanted you to be one of the first few people to know about my success. I looked for you, but I couldn't find you.
God, don't take friend. You can't possibly do this to me - again! You know that you'll make me feel horrible.
Friend: you were the one who asked me to be tough, but you yourself were not. All I need to know is that you are safe, and I swear I'll never annoy you again. I need you alive. You were one of the very few who would put up with all my silly talks. You were one of the few who would patiently listen to me and convince me out of doing all the mad things I planned to do. You kept me sane in this big bad world, and please don't tell me you aren't here.
I finally found the path to success, and now it's dawning on me that I can't find YOU on that path. And when I look back to try and drag you in, I can't find you behind me either. It's almost like.. you're gone in a poof of smoke. Don't let that happen, please. Stay with us, friend. Be there for us - we desperately need you. It's so horrible already without you. You, of all the people knew how I'd feel if something wrong happens. Please be okay. Don't be selfish now of all the days, please. I can't stand so much pain at once. I'm not that great.
We need you. I need you. Please don't make me go back to being a zombie again, friend. Please be okay. I hate pleading, but if it's going to work, I don't mind!

God:
Enough. Please. Don't do this to me. You know that I can't take so much of pain - I'm not that good at it. And if you want someone to go, let it be me. I'm not sacrificing or something - I'm just being selfish.
Please, God. Don't!!!
Let friend be okay... Don't be so rude, God! You give me people whom I can relate to, and after a few years you take them away. You know that I can't be mad at you, but honestly it's not fair. Don't be this rude, God. Don't take away the things that I like... That too so abruptly. If you don't want me to have it, then don't give it to me! DON'T take Friend away, God!
I can't stand it. I won't survive it this time. I still haven't some out of the previous incident, now please don't do this again... I've had enough!
You know that there are many people who need Friend.
Please help me, God. Please...

:)

2009-11-17T21:53:00.004+05:30

I had stormed out of the house. I couldn't take so much at a time. I wanted sometime off for myself....
The park was almost empty when I walked in. That meant there was nothing to see, and that I had the park all by myself. I couldn't really distract myself... My wandering mind automatically made me dig up the freshly buried thoughts that I didn't want to think about again.
For once, I hadn't said a word- even though the mistake wasn't mine. Why was I quiet? Why did I listen to so much? I had no clue. Something told me that arguing back was of no use.
I wanted to cry, and I also knew that that was a sign of being weak. I wouldn't want anyone to call me 'weak'..or 'cry baby'... or.. whatever.. I just didn't want to be weak. I wanted to hit something so badly that my hands were already shaking. For a moment, I could hear all those taunting words again. the only option left was to run.
And so I ran.. Ran till I fell down exhausted... Till my muscles were screaming against the stress... I was breathing very heavily, when my phone sang that 'They don't care about us...' lyrics in Michael Jackson's voice.... I looked at the number, and I could imagine the look of pure terror on her face if she heard me right now. I cut the call, and put the phone in the silent mode.
Tired, I sat on one of the cold benches when 3 people entered the park. 2 kids, and their dad probably....

She must've been around 4 or 5 years old. She saw a flower that caught her attention, and while running to pluck that flower, she fell.... I tried getting up to help her, but her dad was already there... Comforting her... Saying many things that would soothe her... She hadn't really stopped crying when her brother brought her the flower that she wanted....
My mind - the traitor - again suggested a few annoying questions...

When was the last time THAT happened to YOU?

I snorted... Probably a decade ago...No more than that... Or did it happen at all...??
Really.. When was the last time I was comforted by my dad?...
I looked up in time to see her kiss her dad....

This time, I felt so depressed.. Felt so lonely... I wanted to cry again, but I wouldn't. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. I was too tired. Instead I looked up at the sky.. There were dark clouds... It would rain in an hour, I predicted.... Why did I have to listen to so much, when all I did was to laugh...?
Hardly 10 seconds of laughing had triggered his emotions. How? God knows. 10 seconds of innocent laughter ended up in such depressing silence. Maybe the new rule was that I shouldn't laugh......

How did the boy know that she wanted that flower?
Were all brothers like that...?
They knew so much more than the others. They know exactly when we would cry.. When we would laugh.. When we would be lost in our thoughts.. When we would blush.... EVERYTHING!!!

Right now, my brother would be asleep in his room in Houston, and I felt silly even to think about calling him up. Anyways I knew that he would panic the next second he heard me. Oh WAIT!!.. Wasn't I supposed to be angry with him for not calling up....?

My phone vibrated silently in my pocket. Mom again. I cut the call. I had to go back home to face another round of it. But I would still remain silent - I knew that....I would remain silent even if those harsh words would end up killing me..

I got up and rubbed my hands.. They were numb- they had gone blue. I stretched a bit. The kids stared at me... I must've been a wreck. I smiled at them, and walked back slowly... To another round of listening to tear-and-temper-triggering words. Somethings never change....

'Live every moment'

2009-10-18T13:04:00.005+05:30

It was already late, and I wasn't sleepy. I felt sleep deprived- I had some work to do. No, in fact I was waiting for something- I didn't know what. I chose to look outta the window while I waited. It seemed to be a very calm night. A stray bird flew from one tree to another - probably searching for some twigs to build it's nest. It kept hovering over the same tree for a while, and then it flew to another place. Must be wonderful to fly. I kinda remembered the way I used to feel while running... The feel of the breeze against my face... The way my heart would beat faster... The way my eyes would focus... The way my hair would fly around with the speed.. oh the SPEED.... The way my muscles would go stiff as soon as I stopped... Maybe that's how it is to fly...

The phone rang... I hurried to receive the call, but it was a wrong number. My patience surprised me when I answered the other person so very calmly - It so wasn't me. I actually could control the shaking in my voice. Nice. I smiled to myself. I discovered the circumstances I could be patient.
I went back to looking out of the window... This time I saw the moon - bright as ever... MUCH more beautiful than all the stars around it. The very sight of it was breathtaking. But there were the stars around it... Waiting for someone to notice them. They were much brighter than the moon, which only reflected a part of the sun's light. The stars were at a distance. That was the only problem they had...

'The moon is Earth's natural satellite... It reflects the sun's rays, you know!!??' The science teacher had said.
'Stellite... Earth's stellite'... I went back home and showed off my newly acquired knowledge.
' Moon is Earth's stellite... Ha ha!!!'
'Satellite...' My brother had patiently corrected me. S had sort of looked at me and laughed a lot when I was excited, usually. I laughed at the memory. And I found myself wishing that I could just go back to those days. The Kindergarten playground... the swings... The see-saws... The way the chimes used to fascinate me... The way I watched my brother play cricket.. The seniors play basket ball and volley ball... The way I used to annoy my brother at home to play cricket with me.. The way he used to make me the 'joker' - as in I could be on team. I could bat and bowl for both the teams. The ball falling into the neighbor's place and my brother begging me to go and bring it back - because I was the youngest, and I had an innocent face according to him (back then)... The neighbour glaring at me for some one minute, and then his face would break into a smile at my expression - I still can't figure out how I must've looked.... I..

The door bell rang. I went to get the door...
'Damn rain! Get me a towel!!!' Dad cussed instead of walking in...
I gave him the towel and walked back into the room. I stared out again.
Many people hated the rain, but it was something so beautiful! Why couldn't they see the beauty of it? The smell of the Earth.. The breeze.. The feel of the water droplets on the face...
'Ha haaaaaaaaaaa you look like you just came out of a swimming pool!!.. bwahahahahahahahaaaaaa'.. S had laughed.
I had stuck my tongue out at him, and then I joined him, too.. The morning prayer followed... And I still looked like I had 'come outta the swimming pool'. My skirt was a deep shade of gray, while the sweater I wore was nearly black, now. My tie looked like someone had dipped it in some weird color of blood and given it to me....

I heard the sound of the Yamaha bike - My uncle was home. But for once, I wasn't excited. A minute later the door bell rang, and my mom got the door this time.
'Hey! I got some chocolates.. Someone wants them?' I generally would have snatched the box away for that statement, but I didn't. That made him walk up to me instead and give the chocolates. I smiled at my uncle. And now HE looked like he had walked outta the swimming pool... I told him that... He just laughed and ruffled my already messy hair while walking out.
I looked at the chocolates- Dairy Milk, Perk, Munch and Temptations. My eyes lingered over the temptations.... S used to get them almost every week, and I used to nearly pounce on the chocolates.... I just loved them. I just loved those chocolates.. Temptations and Dairy Milk.

'Temptations is sooooooooooo good. The taste is soooooooooooo nice...' S was saying. I had my eyes shut - I had promised my mother the previous day that I would stop having chocolates, as my tooth had ached very badly the day before that and given me a terrible head ache. I had slept throughout that day. The next day, S and P had expressions of concern for a minute, then anger for another. and when they finally found out that I couldn't have chocolates, they just couldn't shut up laughing. P was at least in control, but S was rolling on the floor and laughing. And during the 9th hour, we had gathered in the lab to do something about the project. That's when he was annoying me with the Temptations. He had bought the chocolate for me, but I had refused.

My watch's hourly alarm beeped. I looked at the watch, and it was 1 a.m. I still didn't want to sleep. I just felt too restless. I knew that something horrible was going on. My intuition said that I was going to have a very bad day.... But I hoped that it was wrong for once.

I sort of gathered myself up, sighed a long sigh and went to bed. I hugged my mom more than usual. The next day I woke up late - it was the study holidays for the 10th grade boards.
I woke up feeling a little better that I hadn't had to listen to any bad news - maybe it was all my own creation. Around afternoon, I got a call from a friend. I received the call..

'Hello?'
'Hi.. Can I speak to Rohini?'
'Speaking'
'Hi rohini... what are you doing?'
'Nothing....' I said brightly.
One pause.
'You know what happened?'
'What happened? The final exam got postponed??' I laughed.
Another pause. A longer one. And then..
S died.'
Longest pause
'What?'
S died...'
'Are you joking?'
'No...'
P....?'
'Not yet.. doesn't know... haven't called her..'
That's all I needed to know. The whole world was strange now. It suddenly looked horrible. I walked back to my room. There was a poster of Aishwarya Rai on my wall. S and I used to LOVE her. I looked at the poster, and I was lost.
I couldn't bear looking at the poster for long, so I looked away. I wanted to cry, but I remembered his words..
'I don't cry. Crying is for weak people. You are not weak. Don't cry...'
I stopped. I wouldn't wanna be weak. I didn't cry. The whole world lost it's beauty and meaning that day. Not even my mother could see what had happened. I tried distracting myself by studying, but when I opened the book, I could only recollect all the incidents from the past.. The way all 3 of us had enjoyed.. The way he had changed me.. The jokes.. Us laughing.. playing... smiling.... having chocolates... everything.
I wanted to sleep... When I closed my eyes, I had the same vision I had yesterday night. The nightmare I had the previous night - that S was flying away from me n P. Now I knew the meaning of that dream.
I woke up a little startled. I realized that P shouldn't know about that...
But she already did...
I fell back.... and I didn't cry, but instead I stopped talking to everyone. What was the point in all this life..?
nothing.
Life had lost it's meaning. Everything did. Friendship totally did. Laughter did. And I hated doing meaningless things.....

I started believing in rebirth after that. It held me. I stopped talking to everyone at home - they didn't know what happened to me.. And I didn't have the guts to tell them.
14 days later.. The day before the Final Boards, I couldn't take the pain any longer. I was weak, and the first tear in almost 5 years broke out. I cried. For hours. Till it gave me a splitting ache. and I fell unconscious. A month later, after the exams ( I didn't know how I survived them), I wanted to walk.
I had lost 6 kilos according to my mother. I had stopped eating, apparently. I visited the park. I saw kids there.... I watched them.. Their eyes light up when they caught the other kids... Their laughter... So much peace!
I walked for a very long time. It somehow made me peaceful. Better, at least. I had considered dying, but then he had told me that it was being weak again. I certainly wasn't weak. I wasn't going to give him hell even up there.

My lashes were already wet, and I knew that I didn't have long. I wished it would rain - Charlie Chaplin had given me the idea.... It rained around 5 minutes later, and I cried till I had the head ache again...
He had lived every moment. and had gone. I hadn't gone, and every moment had lost it's value. nothing held me now....
I walked back home, determined to change things. I wouldn't give him hell, you see. I'll never change myself of course.. But the way I lived. I would make sure that I wouldn't lose a moment with the others that I had...........

Cheers

What a girl wants.. (or doesn't want)

2009-10-13T11:36:00.006+05:30

Well.. I was basically trying to figure out all the things that a girl generally wants. I'll list them out now, and it's strictly my opinion. 1) No possessiveness:

Ugh! Possessive people totally suck!!

2) Freedom:

'You are a girl, so you can't go out..'.
This is one of the statements that makes me go 'oh PUH-LEASE!!'. LIKE I didn't know that I'm a girl. And it's terrible to always sit at home and do nothing, when the major source of entertainment would be the TV or the various websites on the internet. Yeah, so very happening.....

3) Time away from the kitchen:

Okay this isn't applicable to me, but every time I see my mum in the kitchen, this is what I feel. and it's always like every time I feel like I HAVE to go and help her in the kitchen, something distracts me and I end up sitting till that impulse wears off. Oh the after effects are bad, cuz mom generally is pissed off after such 'sessions'.

4) More time with family and friends:

This world is getting too crowded and busy off late. Not even a school kid has the time to actually sit and talk to her mom about whatever happened that day. But I generally crave for more time with friends. Oh I do miss my brother. Now I hope he isn't reading this. That would be totally embarrassing, cuz I gotta live up to my reputation of being a totally 'emotionless person.' Yay!!

5) People who listen:

Half the time everyone around is only talking and talking and talking about themselves. No one is generally ready to listen to a girl crib without laughing at her.

6) No crying-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-kinda people:

Jeez. Imagine that!
'I wanna go to Mekedatu', I say and the next moment I find my mum trying to persuade me to chuck my plans. When I don't, she cries and blackmails me.

7) Stupid questions, stupid declarations, stupid statements - strict NO:

'How old are you?'
'What are you doing?'
'Uyyooooooo she's grown sooooooooooooooooo tall!!!!' (no I'm gonna remain 4 feet tall)
'Your turn next!!!' (in a wedding scenario)
'Don't do this!!!' (Generally)
'Oooooh!! You've got huge eyes' (Yeah?? Okay cool)
'Did you cut your hair?' (No I'm shedding. Isn't it quite obvious that I did..??)
'Why?' (Certain circumstances. Well, why not??)
and personal questions. Total piss offs! There is more to that list, though.

8) Some time alone:

HARDLY possible.

9) A pet:

No really! I love pets, but I can't have one because dad hates them!! Bah dads!!

10) Fun rides:

With friends and brothers and uncles and their kids. It's always fun to include some risk factor. It's so boring to always be careful.

Now I'm bored.
Ciao
Rohini

2009-09-14T21:52:00.001+05:30

It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

Hail Julius Caesar!!!

PHEWWWW!!!

2009-09-07T20:18:00.002+05:30

Wow!!
It feels so good to be finally free. The last week has been absolutely torturing, especially for the students of ASE, Bangalore. And the EEE students, to be specific.
STUPID Internals!
I wonder why did Newton, Raphson, Gauss and Seidel have to be so curious to get to know about everything in this mad world!
WHY did that apple have to fall on Newton's head!? WHY did he have to analyze that situation?
Why couldn't he go 'OW!!!! The stupid apple that you are, I wish you hadn't existed for this day to cause that tiny bump on my head!' or something like that.
Why did Galileo have to observe the pendulum?

Now look at what has happened to their future generations!
*sigh*

Yeah they're hyper useful. I think I'll appreciate all those efforts when I've finally passed out of my final year of engineering. Till then I'm sure I'll keep cursing them.

So... Where was I before I started cribbing.....
The week.
Pure torture.
The Engineering Management paper went okay, but the Embedded Systems paper: I honestly didn't know whether I had to laugh or cry. Everything looked like gibberish to me.
Optimization was good, but then VLSI was terrorizing.
Today was good, finally. The Energy Systems paper was good.
OMG I'm being such a nerd now!

It feels like I've just given my end semester exams - we've never been under so much of pressure. To top it all - the project. Why can't they just approve the topic and be done with it instead of cracking jokes only they can laugh at and suggest things like the black box.

'Daaaaaan't dwooo thet!' is what one of the great personalities went when we announced our title so proudly. That sobered us up. And when we tried to explain to him about it, he started cracking such silly jokes that I was imagining hitting him with a brick.
Idiot!

I shall be optimistic now- Tomorrow must be gooooooooooood!!
Cheers
Rohini

Thanks Mama!!!!

2009-08-13T18:14:00.003+05:30

Thanks a lot Mama!! You made me open my eyes to the current situation. I'm really so glad I have someone like you to advice me.
So... I was in my uncle's place fooling around as usual, when his wife decided to pull my leg a bit. She raised the same old touchy topic.. A topic that I hate to discuss - marriage. And just before that Mama had made it very clear that he won't let me go abroad for pursuing my higher studies. The whole thing sort of crashed upon me, and I screamed out loud at my aunt and started crying. I have no clue why I did that, but yeah... I cried. A completely foolish reaction - even she was surprised, because I would have answered her back usually. I guess Mama's decision made me want to cry because he usually is one of my pillars of support at home. He usually lets me try out all the new things.
And when I cried I avoided looking at him, and Athha and Mom were busy trying to cheer me up, while Mama was reading some manual. Athha started saying things like 'Wow.. Your eyes are pretty right now... Beautiful they look..' and I wanted to scream at her again. Finally she asked me why I won't marry, and I gave her all my reasons.
After I stopped crying Mama finally shut the manual and started asking me questions- sensible ones, thankfully.
First question: 'What do you want to do after going abroad?'
My answer: 'MS....'
Mama: 'Then?'
Me: 'Job...'
Mama: 'How long...? And where?'
Me: 'I'll come back here....'
Mama: 'What!? Then what's the point...?'
Me: 'No I meant.. I'll work there for some 2 or 3 years and get back to India.'
Mama: 'And then?'
Me: 'I'll build an orphanage.'
Silence.
After a while.. 'You want to build an orphanage...? How?'
I was at sea now. Later he explained... He said that the way I'm thinking is totally impractical. I was lost now. I defended my decision with a series of seriously lame comments, and he just grinned - that shut me up. And he finally launched into his point of view.
He explained all the drawbacks of my way of implementing my goal... That I might not have enough cash to build an orphanage even though I earn around 2 Lakhs a month. A minimum of 1.5 crore is required just to build a small orphanage, he told me. I believed him because he knew such things...

And later he gave me the solution to the problem. I was honestly impressed.
Mama: 'Your plan is something that is very lame. No, it'll just dampen your spirit. If you end up being the loser, you'll be dejected. You'll be upset that you haven't done anything. You have a noble idea, and such ideas need to be implemented quickly. For that, you need power. You need power to influence people, and that power.. You can get if you are a part of the Indian Administration. Think carefully, Rohi. I'm here to help you. I'll support you .... IPS or IAS or IFS. You'll have immense power. You need to work very hard, but it'll pay off. . Think again. Every Tom Dick and Harry has the same old idea of pursuing his MS, but after MS, they're all nowhere....' (At the end of the whole thing Athha had a look of pure awe. She said that she'll be proud to help me out with the whole thing... )
He told me many more things that impressed me. I'm totally impressed, but I'm only afraid of 2 things:
a) My Leadership Qualities.
b) I'm scared of misusing the power that I'll have.

I know that I can work hard for it, but what if I get distracted...?
But I'm totally impressed with what Mama had to say. This orphanage is something I've always wanted.
Mama gave me another option.. That if I want to continue with my idea of MS, then instead of the orphanage, I should think of adopting two kids. Adopt as in... funding them.. Caring for them.. Looking after their needs.. Being their friend.
I think what he had to say has a serious impact on me.
MAYBE all this came up because he doesn't want me to be far away from everyone, but what he said has left an impression.
Now is the time to decide....

I guess I'll have to come up with the better option, now.
Time to ponder. Time to work hard. Time to give up everything.

Rohini
(13/8/09)

:)

2009-06-12T14:08:00.004+05:30

It felt hot against my cheek. I was surprised, as it was quite a long time since it had visited me: It usually was hidden and refused to come out.
Somehow it eased my burden - infinitesimally though. But at the same time I was embarrassed to think of it or to show it off to the world.
What would everyone think if they saw it!
So I tried to hide again, but I couldn't. I was not strong enough. It seemed to laugh at me, and now I was determined to send it back into hiding.

'No! Not anymore!' I said that out loud. But too late - The dam had burst, and there was no controlling it. Many more followed the path that the first one had created for them, and they all stung.

I knew that I had a few minutes before everything would go hazy, and I wanted to avoid that.
I tried holding it off, but I couldn't. It was too strong.
'I can handle you!', I said.

'The hell you can' said a voice somewhere behind my head. It seemed to sneer at me now...

No! Not again!

I hastily tried to clear the path, so that they would get lost..... And then.. I felt it.. Pain.

No no no no!!!

More pain.

God help me, please.

A splitting ache. And then everything went blank.
The tears kept flowing, but I regained consciousness only a few hours later.
The sadness had won. And I had lost.

20 and nearly retired hurt

2009-06-05T12:13:00.002+05:30

Wow!! It feels good to be 20 years old, doesn’t it? Finally it’s the time to be responsible. It’s time to think about a proper and promising future. It’s all a bit scary, but at the same time you have the Yes-I-can-do-it factor in you.

All these years it was a perfect mixture of friendship, misunderstandings, ego clashes, trust, and what not. And now it’s finally time to let responsibility and work to blend in. The sudden change in thoughts is so hard to believe. It was almost like 2 days ago that I was thinking about what my birthday would bring along with it. And now here I am – thinking about what the future holds for me. . .

I can’t see anything but a dry path ahead. I think it’s finally time to admit that I need help to make the path a bit livelier.

God – Help me. I only need You now.....

Bleh.

2009-05-21T11:45:00.006+05:30

Well... The last few months have taught me quite a lot. One thing that I've learnt is this: Never trust someone blindly. People tend to back stab quite often.
I think I'll have to get over it all some day, but right now I'm in no mood. I never knew that I was so patient (I hope I don't sound like I'm boasting....). Even though my frustration levels are so high that I can glare daggers and kill a cockroach right now, I'm somehow managing to laugh around. Thanks to the anger and my uncle's kids.. I think they're the reason I'm still sane.

What the heck!? Why in the world do people back stab and act innocent...? I wish I can catch them red handed and give it back to them. Whoops!!! My imagination is turning sadistic now. I gotta check that.

So... What to do when in a venomous mood..?
I'll figure it out. Let me check out the possibilities.
1) Go up to the terrace and yell.
Er....

2) Glare daggers at anyone and everyone.
Yeah right. And look like I've just escaped an asylum.

3) Clean the room.
Ruled out. Can't do that.

4) Blog.
what am I doing now? Not helping me much, though.

5) Try and not think about the person.
With thoughts like 'How can I kill her' drifting in my mind.....? I don't think so.

6) Read Harry Potter yet again.
Nope.

7) Go check out PFDB.
One post pissed me off even more. Whatever man!

8) Go to Poori's place.
She's got her exams coming up.

9) Mope around the whole place
Oh ha ha. Very mature.

10) Not talking to anyone.
Maybe yeah. But I'm not really the silent types.

11) Chuck it. Say 'LIFE IS SCREWING' and relax.
Like how...??

Ooooooo this is so pathetic. Driving me nuts, really.
I hope I can come up with something.

Cheaters totally SUCK. To all the losers out there- GET A LIFE!!!

Cheers.
BAH!

Sorry, Mom....

2009-05-14T14:01:00.003+05:30

I really appreciate what you have done for us . I know it's too late to realize, but then- I really wish I wasn't that pathetic with you.
I could've done so much more instead of just being rude and saying 'Mummy PLEASE don't irritate me.' and stuff like that.
Aww now I feel so guilty. You patiently answered all my stupid questions.. Put up with all the crap that I've ever said... Came back to me saying sorry even when it was my mistake... Been like a friend to me when I cried.
Mom, I just want you to know that I really really love you. :)
Whatever Varun and I are - It's only because of your struggle to keep up with us. Thank you, mummy.

Now... I know all this sounds too hokey, but my mood is crappier right now. =D.
It's so tough to yell out 'Oyeeeeee baap!' when we fall down or something... Our immediate reaction usually is 'OUCH! MUMMY!!!!!' usually. At least mine is. (:
All the stuff I've ever done.. I know I can't take it back.. I doubt whether I can change myself.. But I can tell you this: You RULE.
The crappier stuff I've said:
'Oh not your experiment again. The food sucks.' (I think it would've tasted worse if I had cooked the same thing)
'Go away!!! I wanna sleep....' (Even when I was late)..

shoot!!
I know I'll keep saying all that kibosh... But at the end of the day...... Varun and I are both grateful to you.
You're really special. :)
Cheers!!

Child labor

2009-01-27T01:06:00.002+05:30

Imagine you are back to being a 6 year old. The very sentence brings back a lot of childhood memories - maybe very sweet ones. But just imagine that you are a 6 year old from a very poor family background. Well.. I guess reality just hit didn't it??

Child Labor - one of the worst forms of crime... We thought it was eradicated ages ago.. But are you sure?? I'm certainly not. Child Labor SUCKS, trust me. Making a kid work when he/she is supposed to be playing and enjoying life is nothing short of a sin according to me. HOW can anyone be so... RUDE... So CHEAP to make a kid work....

And when we come across a kid working, we dont stop him/her.. We just go on watching and cursing God for doing this to them. Instead.. Why cant we make a difference? Why cant we stop them from working..? Why cant we help them... Why cant we stop their so called 'bodhi' 'madam' 'sir' 'maaji' or whoever from slapping them...
Why in the world dont these grown ups understand that these children are helpless!? Slapping a kid hard across the face.... Making her wake up early in the morning at 4 to water the plants, clean the garage and wipe the house clean..... wiping the cars.... making tea or coffee for everyone... And if the tea is bad, the master slaps her again. Why cant all this come to an end?

I really wish everyone could stand in the shoes of those kids. And then there are the parents of those children. They MAKE them work so that they can earn more money. Yeah right... the kid gets 50 bucks per month and that cash is gonna keep them alive for the rest of their lives is it?
Grown ups acting stupid....

When will it come to an end? When are people gonna wake up?... I think its all in our hands to stop this crime....

Cheers
Rohini

Yell

2009-01-06T23:15:00.005+05:30

Thats how I wanna yell now. I wanna go AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

But I think people would pelt me with stones if I did that.. Or maybe there'll be a mild tremor/... and the next image would be that of my dad charging towards me like a bull that has just seen red.

sucks!!!

Unbelievable!!

2009-01-06T23:02:00.003+05:30

Gosh!! Lifez hectic all of a sudden!
I mean... It was all very cool till like.. a week ago.. and now all of a sudden I'm back to slogging!
Sigh!!!

So well.. lemme start off with Dec 31st..
What did I do?.. Nothing that interesting.. unless you can call staring at the TV screen for hours together 'interesting'. I dunno.. I found nothing good that day.... I didn't have the great mood to even go out with my friends (They had their exams going on... buggin people)...
So all I did on the last day of 2008 was to watch a movie. And then at 12.00 a.m sharp I had to attend like a zillion calls....
And then I went back to watching TV. Pirates of the Caribbean - Part 3. I must say.. Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom just RULE. And so does Keira Knightley. So it was around 3 a.m that I finally hit the sack that day.

I woke up at some 11 a.m on the 1st of Jan...And fell off the bed. Totally sick!!!!
I had plans of going out for lunch with my college buddies.. but then mom started crying like I died or something... So had to cancel the plans. Finally I cooked. And I did cook well apparently, because I was complimented. I didn't touch the food.. Was too scared :D:D

And on the 2nd of Jan.. everything went haywire.. I mean.... shoots!! I hadn't expected life to turn out to be so pathetic. All of a sudden I'm trying to finish my record work.. And my friends were buggin me to make a resolution for the year - not to bunk classes. Yeah right. Like I'll do that.

Oh well..... Gotta go... I'll try and complete this post after a while.
Cheers
Roh

The week in Conzerv :D

2008-07-03T13:46:00.006+05:30

PHEW!
WHAT a week it was. I had loads of fun, I admit. But then, I'm exhausted. I'm completely exhausted from training so much and laughing around even more. 23rd June, 2008 to 27th June, 2008 - Well.. I can say that these 5 days were some of the best!
I was with my friends from college. Kinda had loadsa fun training in Conzerv Systems Pvt Ltd. And really - I'm intrigued by the company's CEO Ms Hema Hattangady. WHAT an asset she is to the company...
On the first day, we reached early - Impression matters you know :D...
Anyways... I had to wake up at 4.30 a.m to get ready - My friend and I would be leaving together from my place. She said that she'll come to my place at around 5.30 a.m, and we'd leave together. It was after my mum pushed me off the bed that I woke up. :-( Sigh!!!!!
And I was ready only after an hour - and being sleepy doesn't help at all!
I called her up at 5.40 and she said that she had just left her place.
I was like "Damn you.. I could've slept for 10 more minutes then!"
I hate waiting, and I had to wait for her till 6.00 a.m. FINALLY she came, and both of us left...
We commuted by the local bus..... Another of my friend's dad would pick us up from a certain place (Central Silk Board, Bangalore) by 8.30 a.m Now this silk board was really far away, and that was the reason we had to leave by 5.30.. :-(
I cursed everyone possible that day.. like duh!.. Who wouldn't!?.. Early in the morning!! :-(

Uncle picked us up, and we reached Conzerv by 9.00...
A certain Ms Rochelle was supposed to help us out, but no one turned up till 10.00 a.m...
MAN whatta torture to wait for an hour!
We did all sorts of crazy things in that one hour - tried solving puzzles.... Finished the su-do-ku game... Had some tea and came back.. and still no one to attend to us...
We were the youngest in the company.. so we were kinda pampered :D

Finally Mr Saravana attended to us at 10.00 a.m and we were taken to a conference hall. this room became our gossip room..... After introducing us to the various lines involved he left us to continue with some 'pending' work. And we sat talking :D
Next we dealt with the lines in the following days... On the third day we were introduced to the CEO. Shez simply amazing!
I didn't expect her to be that jovial.. and at the same time very focused! Inspiring innit!?
Then SHE introduced us to Dr Kamala.. a social activist. She was dealing with global warming... and she wanted us to suggest her about it. We gave her a few ideas about the issue. Oki I'll deal with THAT particular topic in the next post.... :-)
On the last day we finished early. So we left early, too. But then it began to rain, and Shru and I had fun running :D
We laughed like crazy and almost everyone on the road was staring at our group :D
we were like - a gang of girls running around and laughing :D
Then we went to McD and had a burger each.
It was 8.45 p.m by the time I reached home. :)
and I crashed soon after that!
Well... we had a great time these 5 days, I must say. I'm off now!
cheers!

BORED

2008-06-12T20:13:00.002+05:30

Eh so damn boring life is these days. The same old things to do - Wake up early (11.00 a.m to me) in the morning, brush my teeth, have a bath and sit idle at home. And whenever I try to persuade my mom to let me go out with my friends, I'm supposed to listen to epics like Mahabharath or Ramayan. Her lectures usually go on for hours and hours together. Okay some of them are really funny though =D
And on the rare occasion that she agrees, dad HAS to object "You are a girl, and I will NOT allow you to go outside. Period."
And I'm like "DAMMIT!".

Oh mannnnnnn! Holidays are getting boring off late. I can't go out with my friends, I can't watch TV, and sitting in front of the computer is considered as a sin off late at home.
Sigh!
Dad loves cricket, and he doesn't mind watching a match that even ancient man must've played. So I don't get to watch what I want.
Mom loves crying at the drop of a hat. So 90% of the time I'm consoling her.

I have taken to browsing these days (No, I don't consider browsing as a sin for Pete's sake)
So most of the time I look for quotes and information about the Indian Army.

Waiting for a breather now!
I hope it's going to pass my way kinda quickly!
I'm SICK of the same old routine life.
Yaar bahut irritating hain :(
And yeah =D. I get irritated as quickly as Saif changes his girl friends. I think I'm even more moody off late.
Let's see what the future holds for me. I hope my Kismat Konnection is good. :(

Okay now I'm irritated cuz of typing so much...
Cheers :D
Roh

Grrrrrrr

2008-06-03T21:23:00.002+05:30

What do you usually do when you are upset or angry?
What can possibly control your anger - other than counting or stuff like that of course.
Most of the men resort to fagging and boozing. Women?
Cry ... Cry like there is no tomorrow.
But what about people who don't want to cry? What about people who just need their space, and who don't want too much attention!?
I mean... when you are upset, people just surround you.. keep asking you questions till you're really exasperated!
God! That can set you off at times... At least in my case! I wouldn't like it if people whom I don't know.. or I'm not comfortable with act like I'm half dead or something. Obviously that'll irritate me even more!
In my case.. I run when I'm angry.. and walk back... :D
Really stupid I know... There are people who are like "What!? You run and then walk back!? Nuts!????".. and my answer to them : "Not as much as you..... " with my grin :D
The other crazy things I do when I'm angry -
1) breaking everything around me
2) watching TV.. (This is a last resort...)
3) Hallucinating big time :O:O:O

Oh man my imaginations! Sometimes I've imagined running upto the person who irritated me and hitting him/her with a brick.
This is being too violent and sadistic innit?.. But I can't stop my imaginations, can I!?

I dunno.. I find it relaxing to slog.. and that's why I run usually...
And I have this dumb belief that when I'm tensed, I gotta sleep. And When I wake up . ..POOF!... The problem is gone! Or I have a solution to the problem.. Or somehow things will be alright.
This IS dumb.. I agree, too.. But it has always worked for me... :D
Oh well talking to Poori helps even more...
I call her up..
"Poooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
and she goes "Hiiii.... hz you?"
"m okay!"
"really?..."
"yeah"
"stop bluffin"
" m not!"
"yeah you are"..
And our conversation begins.... Somehow she gets it out of me and she makes me laugh at my own problem.. She makes it sound super silly however serious it is... And then we laugh.. laugh like nuts...
I haven't seen her off late cuz of her exams :-(... Miss her loads! :-(

What do you guys do usually?
Some of them have told me they read... yeah this helps, too I feel :-)
Okay I gotta goooooooooooooooooooo

cheers

WHAT is wrong with me?

2008-05-12T22:45:00.005+05:30

Tired of trying... Sick of crying... Yeah I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying...

Well.. there you go... That's how I am right now. What is wrong with me? I have questioned myself maybe a zillion times, but still of no use.
I mean.. I know the normal stuff - That I'm pathetically stubborn, horribly short tempered, I forgive but I NEVER forget... I know all these things.. But what is it that's more than all these?
I really would like to know cuz dad keeps yelling at me half his life... :(

I keep thinking "why me??", but apparently I have no answer to that question.
Sometimes its really irritating when he keeps yelling at me for something I don't even know I have done. I hate being pointed at without knowing the reason behind it. Gawd I wish my dad could read my thoughts. I do not want to tell him directly on his face because I know he'll be hurt. I wish .. I really wish he'll know some day, that I'm terribly hurt whenever he talks to me so rudely...

I hope dads really get to know what their kids really want, rather than giving them options to choose from... options which don't appeal at that!
I want them to know that their kids want their attention undivided... that they don't want to be yelled at unnecessarily... that they don't like to be suppressed..... that they don't want the parents to be obsessive when it comes to them.
When will they realize all this???

God, I wish I knew the answers to all these questions... =(

Cheers

The Army...

2008-05-12T17:44:00.007+05:30

I recently came across this web page (www.captainvijyantthapar.com) which informs us about a deceased soldier - Captain Vijyant Thapar. I was really touched by all that he had done, and his dedication to the Indian Army. I was equally ashamed that we sit at home whiling away our time and being so busy that we can't help even our neighbors, whereas they slog for us, guarding us and protecting us. I really wish I can do something for them.

Before I came across the site, I didn't know anything about them. But I was always intrigued by their life style. I was always inspired by their guts.
I really wish I had the same guts and courage to face things at home. Most of us weep ans wince even if we hurt our toes. But look at them!!! They probably hurt their toes at least once an hour!!!
They do so much for us!

I'm proud of the Indian Army.

And now a few things about Captain Vijyant Thapar:
He was one of the many soldiers who laid down their lives for us, in the Kargil war. Fellow soldiers have said that he "was too busy to be scared". This shows the guts of the soldier. I really wish he hadn;t gone..
It's frustrating, at least for me, that we sit at home, and they work for us.
The main thing that I really liked about him was that even during the war, he adopted a child - Ruksana, and he helped her talk again. She had lost her speech when she had seen her father being murdered. I pray that she is fine now. People say that it was his trust that made her talk again. Damn sweet! :)

Indian Army, really, is something that is inspiring me by the day :)
I really wanna do something for them. I wanna fight just like them. I wanna fight WITH them. But then, I guess females aren't allowed to do that. :(

I confess that I had cried reading all about him... Ok I'll modify it... My eyes were watery after I read it, but of course.. I didn't bawl.
Oh I wish all such things never happened. God takes away people who are good and brave....
When I mailed his father, the reply that he sent was awe inspiring...
I look up to all these soldiers...
India RULEZ. One of the only countries that has a motto to stay peaceful.
Love my Country... :)
Cheers

2008-04-21T03:04:00.000+05:30

The Beach at Amritapuri...... WOW :)

2008-04-21T03:00:00.001+05:30

The Natural Stone arch ..Tirumala... LOVE it!! :)

Coll..... the entrance to the classrooms

2008-04-13T00:02:00.000+05:30

...............

2008-04-06T20:02:00.022+05:30

What is it that people are doing so busily these days? What is it that they are doing, which is making them ignore their children, or even abandon them?
These days, you find many kids begging on the roads.. and I witnessed one such incident in Hyderabad, when I visited the place last time.
It was very disheartening to see such a thing happening. This kid was very pretty... She had huge brown eyes, chubby cheeks... and was really very pretty. My uncle and I were shopping when she came up to us to ask for some cash. She was so desperate that she asked us to at least get her some food...
I felt so bad for her that I immediately gave her 100 bucks. I got screwed later by almost everyone except for Mama and Poori.. (I'm grateful to them for that).The kid looked something like this... Just that she was a lil more dark... :(
To see a child as cute as her begging was really killing... :(
I wish I could do something for them... I wish there was SOMEONE who could do something for them...
I love kids basically, and this is one of the main reasons that I WANT to see my ambitions come to life.
Building an orphanage is something that I've dreamt of since... I dunno when...
I wanna build an orphanage that won't make the child crave for parents. The orphanage should be very friendly, and apparently I don't want any kid to regret growing up as an orphan...

Children are really the masterpieces of God. I guess no one can be as innocent as them. Every kid is special. I just wish people realize this fact.
Talking about ignorance, I guess even the senior citizens are an ignored lot. :(
The number of old people craving for the love of their sons or daughters is increasing day by day. So this makes me want to build an old age home, too. Well... this particular ambition isn't very defined as of now..... There is one more ambition of mine which I want to see more than the orphanage - A Super speciality Hospital... This came to being after a close friend died of a liver problem when I was in my 10th grade. I was terribly hurt back then.. I still am.. I kinda wish he was back with all of us. I guess I would've been a happier person. I miss him. :(

Anyways.... getting back.... this hospital should have the best. Really good docs should be treating the patients. The treatment for the poor people will be free of cost. Whatever it is... it should be the best.
I hope all this comes to life once I'm done with my studies. I can't bear to see so many children begging for food, or people who are blind.... I guess I can't see helpless people. Blind people are really unlucky, because they can't even see the person they are speaking to. They are left to imagine how the person looks, instead of actually seeing them.

I wanna see a better world. I know all this sounds really boring and stuff.. but there you are!!!
I just wish everything comes true here. A few friends have told me they'll help.. Lesse what happens... :)
Cheers

2008-04-06T16:35:00.000+05:30

A glimpse of the sea ... Dhanushkoti :)

>-(

2008-04-06T13:06:00.003+05:30

I HATE it... Hate it hate it hate it HATE it... when I can't have something that I really want...
And today, Varun found some sadistic pleasure in deleting all the songs and pics that I had stored in my PC. Feel like ripping him apart for doing that.
I had like.. a zillion songs, and downloading them all again is like a leech up your back.
DAMMIT!!
WHY are elder ones so irritating????
All my mum ever does is support him. Hez been dancing outta pure joy that I've lost all those songs :(
What the heck does he get by spoiling the little amount of fun I have....
And next year they have plans of putting me in the hostel, which I LOATHE. Sheesh....
And the reason...? "I'm too naughty these days"
I DON'T want to be controlled by people I don't like.. And the warden is one such person.
Wot the DEVIL man!!!!
Now I gotta download all o them again, and its IRRITATING.
Elder people should be banned.....

THE LAUGHING GIRLS =D

2008-04-03T22:27:00.006+05:30

So lemme tell you about my gang from tuts :D :)

I'll be naming (and describing them o course) alphabetically...

1) Arpitha:
We call her Appy, Arps, Arp...... Oh the list gos onnnnnn...
So this gal is usually the one who laughs just after me... that is.. the second one to burst out laughing even when a sheet of paper falls.
Sridhar sir thought that both of us sat next to each other in the class. The expression on her face was HILARIOUS, when she heard that. All we could manage to say was this:
"Sir, If both of us sat next to each other, the class would have been upside down!!"
And the very next second, both of us are nearly rolling on the floor...
I'll neva forget the way she converted balls to balloons on Vijayraghavan sir's Signature book during his 60th birthday. =D
This gal is a to-be- Orthodontist now.
In tuts, she sat next to Monica... So whenever I got something to hog, it would pass on to her bench.... =D...
Oh, the nuclear fission and fusion classes were amazing fun.... with Ms. Fartika close by. We laughed our heads off...
ewwwwwww..... gross that girl is.. :D
A Non veg lover that she is.. she loves hogging :D
next...

2)Monica: We call her Moni, Mons or Mon.
EVERYONE thinks shez a quiet girl.. very diligent and stuff...
No wayz.... your the biggest fool if you feel shez innocent and very goody goody... lolz
She LOOKS like shez very quiet.... but I guess even she forms an integral part of all our mischief making sessions. This one has a lot of key info about me.
Anyways, like I already said, I knew Mon from my school days. We didn't speak much back then, but now... We try to shut up.. =D
Knowing her has been an absolute pleasure... :)
This girl is a shopping freak.... Has an amazing dressing sense. :) Shez got brains, trust me. :D
I'll neva forget the way we tried to fudge, but l8r thought it wasn;t good and gave up on the idea.
Monz.. u rule.. :) :D

3)Poornima: Well well well...
Poori, Poo, Poons.... list is on. This gal sat NEXT to me in the tuts, and all we ever did was either laugh or talk in class. I love her comic timing.. and she has got her heart in the right place. She can be really fierce, too...
Both of us have had loadsa misunderstandings... both of us have fought like cats and dogs.. but the very next minute we're laughing ouselves silly... =D
I just love the way she conducts herself, Poori.
She is one person whom I could share all my sorrows with. Of course I did tell monz, appy and the others too.. but poori sat NEXT to me.. so she would get to know everything first =D
Sridhar sirs house... God she made me a flibbertigibbet... She made me sit in one whole sofa where as she and the rest o them sat on one....
and i gave her a Jack in the box... A dracula fa her budday.. and she compared it with me.... Thats how I got my nicky - Dracs... I like it too..
Oh she was the one who leaked out my supid nicky to every1 else - Pandu. To add to my misery, she tagged it with a baby... Dammit... Embarrassing.
Her mum is an excellent cook. I love her mum fa the way she is. Ijus luv going to pooris place and having fun there.. :)

4) Smita: Whoa... We call her Skelly. She really looks like one. first thing that anyone would notice about her is her skeletal frame. Shez so freggin SKINNY. You can only see bones. He he he...
well, Skelly was my college mate too.. So i kinda knew her. She is one loyal friend. She gives everything her best, and she too laughs around with us. Sadly.. we haven't been able to meet fa ages together. The last we met was fa appys budday :(

5) Sowrabha: Sow... and her dreams... LOLLLL
she has HILARIOUS dreams.. and whenever she recollects them all to us... we can't help but laugh!!!
Absolute sweetheart. She is someone whose actions say "i remember u every minute"...
thats wot she is... :)

and o course me :D
We gals had major fun in tuts.... Esp in the Bio hour. I still remember... The bio lecturer got irritated with me.... and changed my place to the first bench..... Later i made him laugh ....
It was loadsa fun that day. This bio sir.. even though irritated.. always had a smile up his face... and we always took advantage of this..

Oh appy slept in his class one day... and when she woke up.. all of us were giggling...
i just miss those days.. every second of it was memorable.. :)
I wish i could have them all back.. :)

We all loved going to pizza hut and having pizzas... :D
I hate ordering, and poori had some sorta sadistic pleasure trina make me order things...
Oooooooooooo i used to get irritated.. :D
woteva... we had a blast wherever we went.. and we were known as the laughing girls.
We are, perhaps, the most famous gang in tuts even now...... as in... even after 2 years of leavin those tuts... :)
tuts was the place where i found such nice people... :)
miss them :(

cheers
roh

Dhanushkoti

2008-04-01T20:27:00.005+05:30

We all had been to a trip to Kerala in the summer of 2007. And from there, we went to Tamil Nadu. This was just a fun trip.. and my family is hyper religious... So all we did was to visit temples. It was a very good experience, visiting all those historical temples. Personally, I put up with my mum trying to wake me up early in the morning only because she offered to buy me chocolates. Cheappppppppp, I know.. but there you go!!!

Anyway, we went to Rameshwaram, TN. We visited the temple, and there was this person who was pouring water on all of us from wells. These wells were supposed to contain magical water, which has healing powers.
"Cool..." I thought... It was when I realized how chill the water was that I planned to back out. :(
My mum wouldn't lemme go though. So I had a maaaaaaaaaaajor head ache that day. I thought of just crashing onto the bed, when my Aunt began pulling my leg...
"DAMN!" I thought.... "Why the heck don't they lemme sleep fa a while"...
It was then that my aunt let slip a so-called-surprise for me. It was an early birthday present for me. :)
I love the sea, and considering that Dhanushkoti was almost the ending point of India. 2 seas meet there. Its a mind blowing location, and ... When I saw the place I was outta words....
I was like.. "WHOA!!!!!! This rulez!!!!"
It is a breath taking place. Well.... I'm excluding the journey to Dhanushkoti from Rameshwaram here...lolz
One passer by, who was friendly enough to interpret my expression said that the place was once quite a famous town. He even showed me a railway track, which was buried under the sand....
I loved the place. The very site of the 2 gr8 seas meeting was enough for me to stay there....

We (our gang from home:D) played around big time that day there. And the passer by (He said he was known as Ramappa) said that Sethusamudram, the place where Lord Rama built the bridge to Lanka, was close by. And I was all in for it.... :D
We saw the bridge. It was amazing.... we went right upto the middle of the sea. You could see the coast of Sri Lanka.

Mind blowing experience, really.....
I wish I had more time though... :(

anyways...
cheers
Roh... :)

31/3/08

2008-03-31T23:11:00.003+05:30

Oh the day was boring. I woke up late today, and I had a tough time. I seriously can't believe that the fourth semester is gonna be up in another month...
Time is just flying past.....
April 18th is approaching, and I'm very scared to face that day. :(
I wish I didn't have to be apprehensive to face that day..... I wish I was a little more strong...
Anyways.... all we did in college was to listen to really boring lectures....
The math sir (of the present coll) taught us some 'Runge- Kutte' rule, and duh..... I laughed like crazy fa dat... :D

All I did today was to complete the record, and fool around.... :D
Oh MAN.... I wish life could be a little more interesting.. but no complaints... :)

I came back home.. worked out at the gym.... got back and sat in front of the comp...
Later my uncle called me.. and I went there fa a while...

I was just remembering all the nutty things I did till today.. :)
Its so much fun to be a child again innit? :D
I wish I could just have back my 12th grade-days..... :)
I had too much of fun...

I have a practical session tomorrow.. and d Fluid Mech teacher says that she wants extra hours... Oh she said shez gonna occupy next wednesday completely.... 3 hours + 1... 4 hours!!!!!!!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :(:(:(:(

Rohini

Hmm.. :P

2008-03-31T04:29:00.003+05:30

Well... no clue wot i'm doing here exactly...
this is the first time i'm 'blogging'!!
was basically just going through a friend's profile when i thought of creating one for myself!!

I guess i'll be the laziest blogger in blogger-town.....
hmm... lesse wot happens ;)
cheers!!

:D

2008-03-31T00:24:00.004+05:30

I'm still on about the fun I had in tuts... :D
So patience pays!!!
We had Biology classes in the morning. And there was this girl called Krithika who came for morning tuts, too. And... god.. Everyone used to hate sitting next to her... The reason?
Her 'aura'. (I meant she used to 5re big time).. That was so badddddddddd
all of us had our noses shut.. :(

And one fine day (during the times when i was far more innocent :D), i wanted to find the source of the stink...
and when i did... ewwwwwwww... i was grossed out!!!

Me and Poori named her Ms. Fartika after that.
Poori and me laughed at the drop of the hat. She tickled me whenever it was my turn to answer. and everyone would laugh with me.
later, one day, i was irritated with the class rep, and i demanded a change... and i was stuck!! :(
Sir made ME the class rep.. :(
was a nightmare considering that i talk a lotttttttttttttttttttt.. :D
this is the way i controlled the class:
"hey talk softly!!"
and everyone would laugh...
duh.. i was a clown... :(
anyways.. guess i shall take rest now.. :D
Ciao...
cheers

Tuts!!!

2008-03-30T16:19:00.004+05:30

So...
Let me start off by saying a few things about a few 'experiences' (lol)

So .... here i go...
Tuts...
Well.. This was the time I really had a blast! I met the people whom I really give a damn about (apart from my family of course).
Tuts were amazing. I attended them just for meeting my friends. I used to love every second of it. There was no question of getting bored.
So my gang was called the 'Laughing Gang'.. and we were known as the 'Laughing Girls'!!
It all started like this...
Day 1 of tuts.. I didn't know a soul, I thought.. but then, I saw an ex classmate from school...
I was reeeeeeeeeeeeally happy....
I ran towards her and sat next to her. And later I realized that it was the Biology hour.
As she was someone I wasn't exactly close to at that time, I was kinda quiet. (I was!!!!)
The Bio hour passed, and the other students came in. Later I realized that people were supposed to sit in allotted places. And only the last bench was free now. Boy!! I was glad :D.
I went and made myself comfortable there. And next to me were Vaishnavi (oh this girl is really tall :(), Manjupriya and another one called Ashwini. Ashwini was a very weird one. Very quiet.. Hardly reacted to anything around her... God I used to get so irritated!!
Anyways.. Coming back... I struck an instant rapport with Vaishnavi. We used to sit and giggle for no particular reason.

This irritated the math sir, Sridhar. Initially I didn't like him. I was biased. And on the adjacent row were Monica, Arpitha and Poornima. Arpitha and Poornima were from the same college, and apparently they used to talk a lot.
So the math sir chucked Poornima outta the class, and he asked me and Vaish or Manju priya to change places.
So from the next day, Poornima came to sit next to me and Vaishnavi as Manju priya offered to shift.
And later Vaish left tuts. Thankfully, I had Poornima, whom I call Poori now.
Poori is one of my closest pals. She is one person who has amazing sense of humour. ...

Poori is right now my closest pal.. oki it would be biased to say so... I have many close ones as of now.. (touch wood!!)
so anyways..... after a while, we began liking our math sir.. :)
It was almost like hell let loose... We had so much fun..
So we (or rather I) began liking the math sir after this incident:

Cellphones were banned in the tut premises, and I got my dads phone that day by mistake...
And my dad came all the way to collect it... and poor me :(
I was caught!! :(
but i was excused... :D there was a voting in class whether i should be let off or not... and i won :D
After that... Arps had a doubt.. so after the classes, i joined her too..... and while she was asking her doubt.. i found the manager very funny and burst out laughing... Sridhar sir then asked me this question "you keep laughing is it??"

and after that... there was no looking back...
Math classes were our fav!!!
and there were these physics classes..... god we used to hog in those classes.. :P:D
after tuts, we went down to meet sir.. and later, we went to the chat shop and again ate..
it was loadsa fun!!!
miss those days... :(

anyways..
cheers :)